Medication

So, when you go to a doctor, one of the first things that most of them will tell you (That is of course after the well, what's your problem...Here you need more shots) they almost always give you medicine. It's like the world craves on popping pills. But yet, it's because they believe that people should be better on medication

But really, think about it. When you take medicine you build up tolerance to this certain drug, and if you need it again, what do you do. Get more of that drug. Just like a drug addict, you constantly need more and more to satisfy your need. And then, what happens when they take it away? Jitters.

Also, if they put you on medication. The one magical thing no one ever tells you about. Side effects. You take a drug for one of them. Then the next thing that you know. You have to take another drug for the side effect that you got from that particular drug that you got. And as the cycle continues, you end up taking at least 15 different kinds of pills, feeling stressed and fat. Though I'm like 107 pounds...So I guess it ended up going the other way.

I come from a long time of anti-doctor people though. So, I might be tainted by my family ;)

College Thoughts

So, as a Junior, I have started college visiting. And as a clinically depressed over anxious person, this probably would have been humorous to see. Well, actually, probably not. As I was so tired, I wasn't able to feel depressed or anxious. (This should please my friends, mother and therapist.)

But these past two days (Or the mini adventure as my mum liked to call it) was actually kinda fun. I felt for the first time, that I was able to take charge and say that I enjoyed a place, or I didn't. And I have the ability in choosing to go to this place in which I should be able to call my home for several years. Or less, or more depending on the way it goes.

Thing that bothers me about college though? I want that adventure and rush feeling of trying something different. And you know what? Minnesota just ain't doing that for me. So I wanna go out of state. Everyone response to this statement? "So, you wanna be away from your family huh?" NO! I love my family so much that it is kinda ridiculous! I'm probably so attached to them I may cry myself to sleep at night for a while because of the needing to give hugs like we always do. I need that rush! I need to say "I went on an adventure. And now the real world isn't scary!"

For a high school student. The real world is terrifying. Well, I can't speak for everyone, but for me personally, the thought of having to try and survive with predators trying to take advantage of you at every turn makes me nervous. I don't wanna be thrown into a corner at some campus and get continually raped! (You laugh at this sound of this. But I was lectured by a lady one Saturday for a good hour about how this would happen to me if I went to far away from home)

Stupid real world...Stupid college...I just wanna be smiling in ten years. I don't care if I'm the leading doctor of the greatest hospital ever, or the harpist (preferable on the harpist part) for the New York or Chicago Symphony! Just keep me smiling

Bothersome things

So, everyone goes through those times when they are just angry at the world? I hear that it is a teenage thing? But I've never been one to continually hate my parents, want to have sex with my boyfriend in the break out room of our school, or cuss and swear at the top of my lungs at a teacher, or a person in charge. I know, I'm weird.

But, it's not like I'm not angry sometimes, This is my vent on what is currently bothering me

-Harp. I had to choose what I wanted to do for harp. Stay with orchestra, or quit doing book 3. Which in the long run book three is better. Which is why I picked it. But It still bothers me when I have to now try so much harder, when I feel so stressed out in school.

-School. As said from above. I'm stressed. Like so stressed, that I can't really concentrate much anymore. I feel useless from wanting that perfect score on the test that I can't get. The way I can't get the grade that I want to get, and the way that everyone else has all this stuff come so much easier to them than for me.

-People. People don't tell me anything. (One person in particular...I may have to kill him with my lazor gun) But when you finally become busy with A. Harp and B. School. don't forget C. I just fell asleep because I was so tired from continually doing A and B that I just wanted to give up entirely. They start to yell at you like this is your fault. Like you were supposed to know about their meeting, or their concert. Or that you were supposed to print out a section of this project when you SAID that your printer wasn't working, and that you had done all of the revisions and NO ONE does anything with them...

Which brings me to the conclusion....Why can't I just be done with High School and stop with all this ACT and SAT and Teenage drama madness?

I'm bothered...

I'm Ready

I look at my entire high school career so far, and granted I'm not graduating this year, and certain things might change in the process of now and then, but it has been really interesting how I've changed and the person I've turned into since the day I came into high school.

I've never stepped into my high school without a boyfriend. At a certain point, this really bothered me, because I wondered if I was not being independent, or if I was missing out on something that I would get if I didn't have a boyfriend. If I was being to dependent on someone else in order to get through the day. If maybe there was something all the single people were getting that I just would never be able to with having a boyfriend.

Then I realized, during a week when my current boyfriend had to go off for a week how nice it was to have a boyfriend around. I was hit on four times in the process of 3 to 4 school days, had my ass grabbed and almost the same story with my boob. The guy got socked in the gut, and I would have given him a black eye if he hadn't stepped back far enough and someone grabbed my arm in order to make sure I wouldn't break the guys nose. I may not be the strongest person of the bunch, but I can have a flaring temper if someone makes me angry.

But this made me realize that having a boyfriend didn't make me dependent. Or that I was missing out on something, it made it so I could be my own person, without being constantly hit on, or nearly giving out black eyes for close boob grabs. Having one all the time meant that I could go that club, or sporting event. And I would have someone who would either take care of me making sure I didn't get myself into trouble, or give me my space when I had to take charge of something. Someone who would come to all of my music events and be sitting there right in the front row making sure that when my hands were shaking that I could still do it.

I also, think that in classes, I've kinda changed, because I want to do so much better in them than I did before. I want to succeed and get into a good music school. Before, there wouldn't have been anyone that could convince me that I should go to college, I wanted to join the peace core because I enjoy helping people. I still want to do that, I just want to play music for everyone around the world instead :) Music is the language that everyone can speak.

So, you are wondering what this title is "I'm Ready"? It is as simple as this, I'm ready to take on the world for whatever it is, and whatever it throws at me. Because I am the most independent woman in the entire world, who isn't afraid to tell it like it is, not afraid to go for what she wants, and ready to do what I can.

Dear you,

Dear you,

You will never read this, because you have stopped reading anything that I write. You don't really care how I feel, and if you really knew how I felt sometimes, you'd probably spend a lot more time apologizing, than you do. Everyone told me that it was a bad idea to ever listen to you. Everyone said I should just leave you alone, but I was so excited, I couldn't help but try. But when there are days where I do all of the talking...days when I feel like even when I am talking you aren't even listening. What do I do then? Do I spend life by myself stuck in what I now consider an addiction to something that probably shouldn't have started in the first place. You will never know that. I will never tell you that either. Know why? Because I guess I'm still figuring out how to not need you. How to be less female, turn myself into stone, god help my feelings to be able to care less for those days when you get nothing not to have it hurt so damn bad. You will never read this, you will never know.

Am I PRETTY?

So, today in creative writing club, we watched a video of poetry slam. And one of the ones that we watched really did speak to me. It was kind of the teenage thing that makes sense in your head. But, if one would just appreciate themselves more. It would be better.

Am I PRETTY?
Every girl asks themselves this in their lives, in different cultures beauty is expressed in many different ways. I absolutely love that Show were Jessica Simpson goes around the world and sees what PRETTY is in different cultures. It shows you that certain areas are just a tad bit corrupt with this question. Am I PRETTY?

I get spam e-mails, just like the rest of the world, and like the rest of the world, I read the title of the e-mail just in case it is from someone I know, or  it is something important that I need to save. In reading the titles of these Spam e-mails. Every single one of them is, "Lose Ten Pounds Fast!" "Worst foods to eat" "Men will love the new sex that you are able to give with this rocking body!" And, probably like the rest of America, my self esteem goes down because then by reading that e-mail and feel a little bit bigger.

Reading 17 Magazine, over 300,000 girls under the age of 21 will get plastic surgery a year. Liquid PRETTY in a bottle. Flushed onto your face for something that shouldn't be there because it's not real.

I'm 5'6'' and I weigh about....115-120 pounds. The last time I went to the doctor, for my age range. I was in the 25 percentile. That means that 75 percent of girls weigh more than I do. But I find myself looking at that number, like the rest of the world, and going, "I gained 4 pounds..." And having that moment of self defeat, that tears you down and makes you feel bad about yourself.

The last time I ate something that was horrible and calorie packed was ages ago. It probably was the best thing I ever ate. I wouldn't know that anymore, because I want to stay thin, so I normally don't eat as much as I should. I have trained myself to not eat a lot, and if I do. I puke it back up. I'm not anorexic or have an eating disorder (Believe me, I've been the doctor more times than I'm willing to admit for that) I'm just trying to stay fit and in shape.

But let me ask, what is the point?
You know what the point is, People treat you differently on how you look, why? Because you want to feel PRETTY, you want to feel wanted. I know that I want to feel wanted. Honestly, who doesn't?

But then, if you are wanted by someone....You find yourself taking it for granted. Because the greed of feeling loved and wanted and PRETTY is the only thing that matters. Not your brain. Not your personality. We have other people for that.

I would love to wake up in the morning and scream out to the heavens, "GOD! I'M FUCKING PRETTY, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M SMART AND I'M AMAZING, AND DAMN IT, I LOVE MYSELF"

I want the world to do that. To take off the make-up. Take off the PRETTY, and see that the inside is just as great. That people aren't just faces, and that someone who you thought you could never be friends with because they weren't PRETTY enough? They end up being your best friend.

Let the beauty begin.

I'm fine.

These are words I say everytime I'm quiet. Everytime somethings up.

My attitude changes like a disease, and I guess I wouldn't really be surprised if I were bi polar. Because it would at least explain my need to create stories of why I get so down sometimes... I've been told about something called seasonal depression, and that might be it to. But, I don't want people to know that.

Why do I write about it then? Because whenever I get this way, I find that my writing is the best. The stories I create in order to make with what I feel. End up being great stories....They just aren't real. My imagination, the voice in my head, will every morning when i wake up tell me something different. It can say, "well, let's do today." And I'll be just fine all day. But there are days, when the voice will say, "You've never done anything. Why are you even bothering getting out of bed in the morning, because all you are is a useless lump."

I'm fine. I swear I am. I'll never admit to these things, not to you, not really even to me. Just let me cry myself to sleep in peace...