Medication

So, when you go to a doctor, one of the first things that most of them will tell you (That is of course after the well, what's your problem...Here you need more shots) they almost always give you medicine. It's like the world craves on popping pills. But yet, it's because they believe that people should be better on medication

But really, think about it. When you take medicine you build up tolerance to this certain drug, and if you need it again, what do you do. Get more of that drug. Just like a drug addict, you constantly need more and more to satisfy your need. And then, what happens when they take it away? Jitters.

Also, if they put you on medication. The one magical thing no one ever tells you about. Side effects. You take a drug for one of them. Then the next thing that you know. You have to take another drug for the side effect that you got from that particular drug that you got. And as the cycle continues, you end up taking at least 15 different kinds of pills, feeling stressed and fat. Though I'm like 107 pounds...So I guess it ended up going the other way.

I come from a long time of anti-doctor people though. So, I might be tainted by my family ;)

College Thoughts

So, as a Junior, I have started college visiting. And as a clinically depressed over anxious person, this probably would have been humorous to see. Well, actually, probably not. As I was so tired, I wasn't able to feel depressed or anxious. (This should please my friends, mother and therapist.)

But these past two days (Or the mini adventure as my mum liked to call it) was actually kinda fun. I felt for the first time, that I was able to take charge and say that I enjoyed a place, or I didn't. And I have the ability in choosing to go to this place in which I should be able to call my home for several years. Or less, or more depending on the way it goes.

Thing that bothers me about college though? I want that adventure and rush feeling of trying something different. And you know what? Minnesota just ain't doing that for me. So I wanna go out of state. Everyone response to this statement? "So, you wanna be away from your family huh?" NO! I love my family so much that it is kinda ridiculous! I'm probably so attached to them I may cry myself to sleep at night for a while because of the needing to give hugs like we always do. I need that rush! I need to say "I went on an adventure. And now the real world isn't scary!"

For a high school student. The real world is terrifying. Well, I can't speak for everyone, but for me personally, the thought of having to try and survive with predators trying to take advantage of you at every turn makes me nervous. I don't wanna be thrown into a corner at some campus and get continually raped! (You laugh at this sound of this. But I was lectured by a lady one Saturday for a good hour about how this would happen to me if I went to far away from home)

Stupid real world...Stupid college...I just wanna be smiling in ten years. I don't care if I'm the leading doctor of the greatest hospital ever, or the harpist (preferable on the harpist part) for the New York or Chicago Symphony! Just keep me smiling

Bothersome things

So, everyone goes through those times when they are just angry at the world? I hear that it is a teenage thing? But I've never been one to continually hate my parents, want to have sex with my boyfriend in the break out room of our school, or cuss and swear at the top of my lungs at a teacher, or a person in charge. I know, I'm weird.

But, it's not like I'm not angry sometimes, This is my vent on what is currently bothering me

-Harp. I had to choose what I wanted to do for harp. Stay with orchestra, or quit doing book 3. Which in the long run book three is better. Which is why I picked it. But It still bothers me when I have to now try so much harder, when I feel so stressed out in school.

-School. As said from above. I'm stressed. Like so stressed, that I can't really concentrate much anymore. I feel useless from wanting that perfect score on the test that I can't get. The way I can't get the grade that I want to get, and the way that everyone else has all this stuff come so much easier to them than for me.

-People. People don't tell me anything. (One person in particular...I may have to kill him with my lazor gun) But when you finally become busy with A. Harp and B. School. don't forget C. I just fell asleep because I was so tired from continually doing A and B that I just wanted to give up entirely. They start to yell at you like this is your fault. Like you were supposed to know about their meeting, or their concert. Or that you were supposed to print out a section of this project when you SAID that your printer wasn't working, and that you had done all of the revisions and NO ONE does anything with them...

Which brings me to the conclusion....Why can't I just be done with High School and stop with all this ACT and SAT and Teenage drama madness?

I'm bothered...

I'm Ready

I look at my entire high school career so far, and granted I'm not graduating this year, and certain things might change in the process of now and then, but it has been really interesting how I've changed and the person I've turned into since the day I came into high school.

I've never stepped into my high school without a boyfriend. At a certain point, this really bothered me, because I wondered if I was not being independent, or if I was missing out on something that I would get if I didn't have a boyfriend. If I was being to dependent on someone else in order to get through the day. If maybe there was something all the single people were getting that I just would never be able to with having a boyfriend.

Then I realized, during a week when my current boyfriend had to go off for a week how nice it was to have a boyfriend around. I was hit on four times in the process of 3 to 4 school days, had my ass grabbed and almost the same story with my boob. The guy got socked in the gut, and I would have given him a black eye if he hadn't stepped back far enough and someone grabbed my arm in order to make sure I wouldn't break the guys nose. I may not be the strongest person of the bunch, but I can have a flaring temper if someone makes me angry.

But this made me realize that having a boyfriend didn't make me dependent. Or that I was missing out on something, it made it so I could be my own person, without being constantly hit on, or nearly giving out black eyes for close boob grabs. Having one all the time meant that I could go that club, or sporting event. And I would have someone who would either take care of me making sure I didn't get myself into trouble, or give me my space when I had to take charge of something. Someone who would come to all of my music events and be sitting there right in the front row making sure that when my hands were shaking that I could still do it.

I also, think that in classes, I've kinda changed, because I want to do so much better in them than I did before. I want to succeed and get into a good music school. Before, there wouldn't have been anyone that could convince me that I should go to college, I wanted to join the peace core because I enjoy helping people. I still want to do that, I just want to play music for everyone around the world instead :) Music is the language that everyone can speak.

So, you are wondering what this title is "I'm Ready"? It is as simple as this, I'm ready to take on the world for whatever it is, and whatever it throws at me. Because I am the most independent woman in the entire world, who isn't afraid to tell it like it is, not afraid to go for what she wants, and ready to do what I can.

Dear you,

Dear you,

You will never read this, because you have stopped reading anything that I write. You don't really care how I feel, and if you really knew how I felt sometimes, you'd probably spend a lot more time apologizing, than you do. Everyone told me that it was a bad idea to ever listen to you. Everyone said I should just leave you alone, but I was so excited, I couldn't help but try. But when there are days where I do all of the talking...days when I feel like even when I am talking you aren't even listening. What do I do then? Do I spend life by myself stuck in what I now consider an addiction to something that probably shouldn't have started in the first place. You will never know that. I will never tell you that either. Know why? Because I guess I'm still figuring out how to not need you. How to be less female, turn myself into stone, god help my feelings to be able to care less for those days when you get nothing not to have it hurt so damn bad. You will never read this, you will never know.

Am I PRETTY?

So, today in creative writing club, we watched a video of poetry slam. And one of the ones that we watched really did speak to me. It was kind of the teenage thing that makes sense in your head. But, if one would just appreciate themselves more. It would be better.

Am I PRETTY?
Every girl asks themselves this in their lives, in different cultures beauty is expressed in many different ways. I absolutely love that Show were Jessica Simpson goes around the world and sees what PRETTY is in different cultures. It shows you that certain areas are just a tad bit corrupt with this question. Am I PRETTY?

I get spam e-mails, just like the rest of the world, and like the rest of the world, I read the title of the e-mail just in case it is from someone I know, or  it is something important that I need to save. In reading the titles of these Spam e-mails. Every single one of them is, "Lose Ten Pounds Fast!" "Worst foods to eat" "Men will love the new sex that you are able to give with this rocking body!" And, probably like the rest of America, my self esteem goes down because then by reading that e-mail and feel a little bit bigger.

Reading 17 Magazine, over 300,000 girls under the age of 21 will get plastic surgery a year. Liquid PRETTY in a bottle. Flushed onto your face for something that shouldn't be there because it's not real.

I'm 5'6'' and I weigh about....115-120 pounds. The last time I went to the doctor, for my age range. I was in the 25 percentile. That means that 75 percent of girls weigh more than I do. But I find myself looking at that number, like the rest of the world, and going, "I gained 4 pounds..." And having that moment of self defeat, that tears you down and makes you feel bad about yourself.

The last time I ate something that was horrible and calorie packed was ages ago. It probably was the best thing I ever ate. I wouldn't know that anymore, because I want to stay thin, so I normally don't eat as much as I should. I have trained myself to not eat a lot, and if I do. I puke it back up. I'm not anorexic or have an eating disorder (Believe me, I've been the doctor more times than I'm willing to admit for that) I'm just trying to stay fit and in shape.

But let me ask, what is the point?
You know what the point is, People treat you differently on how you look, why? Because you want to feel PRETTY, you want to feel wanted. I know that I want to feel wanted. Honestly, who doesn't?

But then, if you are wanted by someone....You find yourself taking it for granted. Because the greed of feeling loved and wanted and PRETTY is the only thing that matters. Not your brain. Not your personality. We have other people for that.

I would love to wake up in the morning and scream out to the heavens, "GOD! I'M FUCKING PRETTY, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M SMART AND I'M AMAZING, AND DAMN IT, I LOVE MYSELF"

I want the world to do that. To take off the make-up. Take off the PRETTY, and see that the inside is just as great. That people aren't just faces, and that someone who you thought you could never be friends with because they weren't PRETTY enough? They end up being your best friend.

Let the beauty begin.

I'm fine.

These are words I say everytime I'm quiet. Everytime somethings up.

My attitude changes like a disease, and I guess I wouldn't really be surprised if I were bi polar. Because it would at least explain my need to create stories of why I get so down sometimes... I've been told about something called seasonal depression, and that might be it to. But, I don't want people to know that.

Why do I write about it then? Because whenever I get this way, I find that my writing is the best. The stories I create in order to make with what I feel. End up being great stories....They just aren't real. My imagination, the voice in my head, will every morning when i wake up tell me something different. It can say, "well, let's do today." And I'll be just fine all day. But there are days, when the voice will say, "You've never done anything. Why are you even bothering getting out of bed in the morning, because all you are is a useless lump."

I'm fine. I swear I am. I'll never admit to these things, not to you, not really even to me. Just let me cry myself to sleep in peace...

Happiest Time of the Year

So, today, was Black Friday. Probably the biggest shopping day of the year. I've never been to the sales at midnight or three a.m., but I've always imagined that there are a montage of people that are running around crazy. Women, grabbing onto things and not letting go, just like you see in the movies, and according to the people that have gone that I have talked to, it isn't far from the truth. People wanting to grab the best deals that they can, so that they can get a jump on their Christmas shopping. Others just to get the thrill of waking up early in the morning so that they can watch these people. And if I ever got the chance to see this, I would take a steaming hot cup of tea, and I would definitely go then.

My time to go shopping on this kind of day, is around five or six in the evening. Don't get me wrong I would love that early morning, but somehow I've always found myself going around that time (That, and that would be the only time I could get a ride). There are still hundreds of people in the stores, all looking left and right for what they want. Some just walking around like me, with really nothing to buy, but ending up with a few things in hand before they leave. Not that I have had any money to ever buy anything, but I take interest in walking around and looking at these people.

Have you ever looked around during Christmas season at people shopping? Honestly? No one looks really happy. Everyone is upset about something. The cashiers and the help around the store look harassed. And every single item is packed up to the ceiling to the top in order to make sure that everyone can get everything that they need. And on an important marketing day such as Black Friday. Being out of a certain item can mean loss of profit for the store. While shopping at best buy, I came across three men running up to one of the helpers around the store asking them for a new "Kinect" for the xbox system. Don't get me wrong, that thing looks seriously cool. And when they had the demo for it at the mall of America, I was first in line to be dancing without a controller. But, the looks on the helper's faces when they said they didn't have anymore, it was almost a grim weary kind of face.

They call it the Happiest time of the Year, the season of giving and happiness. But honestly, when looking around at all of the people. I don't see anything but angry faces, and a bunch of credit card being swiped through to the other side. Christmas is turning into a Holiday that Hallmark made up. It may be second to Valentines Day (which, don't get me wrong, I am totally for an excuse for a man to give a woman flowers and an extra reason to spend a day with someone you love very much) but, people shouldn't be all about the gift giving. It reminds me of the movie "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" with Jim Carrey, and every who in whosville was buy so many presidents that they just lost the meaning behind what they were giving.

Maybe we need a Grinch to steal our presents, so we can really appreciate the things that are more important in life. Like family, love, health, and once we're not all focused on the items we take treasure in, happiness.

Things I wish I could have told myself

I was lying in bed this morning, grasping onto the dream I had been having, when a new thought crossed my mind. What would my 14 year old self say just before I went into High School, seeing the person that I am now? And, if I could see her...What would I say?

I think I'd tell her that after my first homecoming, when I cried myself to sleep for the next two weeks....It wouldn't worth it anymore. Her second and third homecoming would make her nights much more magical.

And I think I'd tell her that even when she wanted to throw herself down stairs and often prayed at night not to be there anymore, she'd be okay. That her best friend in the world would save her life, and that the person she thought cared about her the most hurt her the most.

I also think I'd tell her that when her family got to be the toughest, there would be someone there to calm her down while she put ice on her bruises, and that It would get better with time. And she wouldn't have to fear family dinners nearly as much as she used to!

And saying something like that, makes me laugh, because I know she wouldn't believe me on the family dinners part. I still don't believe me when I say that myself.

She might ask me what had happened since then, and maybe I would tell her things, maybe I'd tell her she'd find a boy, that loved her more than anything, that she would worry about, but he would worry about her too, that she would fall in love with that boy and that they'd argue about stupid things all the time (Yes, all the time) but in the end, he'd still whisper, 'I love you' into her ear, or on the phone, or even reading it with eyes through a text message. And those words every single time would make your heart melt. Or if you were actually angry, it would make the anger rub away. Not that he'd ever know that. (Unless he actually ever gets around to reading my blog...which would make me laugh, because he probably won't. Unless he does, he does have a knack for surprising me)

She'd ask why I drove myself so hard to become to musician I am, and I think I'd say, "Don't you just love that feeling of playing something and knowing how great you are at it?" It'd make our heart melt, and together we'd both fear my conductor as I told her horror stories, preparing her with the shell she'd someday have not to give him a peace of her mind.

But I think lastly, I would tell her that at the moments where the world just feels like it's going to end. It doesn't, and it shouldn't. Because she's beautiful, even if she sometimes to this day still won't believe it. Because she can be such a strong an independent young person, she'll end up okay.

That I could promise her.

My Dream

So, the other night, I had what I felt to be as the most scary dream I've had in a long time. Though when you read about it, it won't sound scary. It won't even sound like something that would even remotely be worthy to lift a finger over. But imagine this happening to you. For the sake of the story, This first person story will be told in a 3rd person fashion.

So strange, she thought to herself as she looked at her cousin about to be getting married. Just a few months ago, Her cousin had been screaming on their walk that she would never have a man, or a big wedding, because it would be conforming to the world that she was a girl that kind of thing. But there her cousin was, looking so happy in her big dress. Every family member rushing around the old house, past the large wooden staircase. Running to give a hug to someone they hadn't seen in a while, running to get last minute things ready. She  didn't even know the guy her cousin was marrying. Not that she saw her cousin all that often, but her still would have liked to see this guy.

"Hey, can you go grab some flowers from outside? I think that it may brighten up the place." Someone shouted at her. She blinked out of her thought process for a moment, then nodded happily, and running out the door, she did a cartwheel, feeling the warm sunshine on her legs, not caring that she was wearing a dress. Not that it mattered. No one was outside anyway.

Bending down, looking at all the flowers she smiled, and began to pick a few, looking at a particularly pretty purple one she walked over when all of the sudden a voice came from behind her, "Hello there."

She lifted her head up with a start, and turned around to see whom it was. It was her ex-boyfriend who she hadn't said a word to in over a year. What was he doing here? Why was he smiling? Why was she by herself at the moment? The guy had been an abusive guy, and he might try and hurt her. She took a step back, holding the flowers a little bit tighter.

"What? No hello back? I thought I meant more to you than that!" He chuckled and pulled out something from his pocket, she flinched.

"What are you doing here?" She managed to get out, heart pounding with the fear, she longed for someone to come back outside and tell her to come in, so she could run away. Anything to get away, so she wouldn't have to talk with him.

"I wanted you back." He said simply, "So, I came here to tell you, we have so much history together that we shall be tied together forever, People That fit together as puzzle pieces as we do, we can't stay apart."

Anger bubbled up inside of her, "I've moved on you know. I know you know I have someone else."

He smiled, "But he doesn't matter."

"But he does matter. He'll always matter. I love him." Her voice raised up in pitch as she began to yell, "I never loved you. I never will love you. And you'll never hurt me again!" Tears were pouring out of her eyes, and she dropped the flowers to the ground to cover her face to not show her tears and frustration in the situation. She wanted to be the bigger person.

She felt a hand grab her arm, "You keep telling yourself that."

And the dream ends. I wake up. Heart pounding through my chest wanting to scream out. And look at my alarm going to to signal that another school day is about to start.

Turning on my phone, I see the message light go blue, and with a panicked heart, I open it to find a message from someone else. It was all just a dream.

Missing someone...

We've all been there. When someone you love isn't at your finger tips like they usually are. If they've gone off to college, or on a trip, or moved away. They have the experience and new adventure, and knowing that they are going to be happy, you let them move, or go on that trip because you know that it is for the best. But there is something people don't tell you when they are leaving, or gone. Being left behind is one if the worst feelings in the world
To have to go on your day with an empty space, a whole that really should be filled by them, but it just isn't.
The looking over your shoulder, an empty space of where the person should be. The looking down at your hands to where their hands should be fitting in with yours if your lover is the one that left. You stop. Your heart stops. And if you allow yourself, you cry. Sleep is hard to come by and food doesn't seem to want to work for you. And though people say they understand. 'I understand,' But they don't. They usually lie. Because no one wants you to feel sad. But they've never lost that person that you had.
It does take longer for us to get out of that routine. It takes us forever to get rid of that feeling of dead. But slowly but surely, your life can go among the living. It will get better, and sleep at night gets a little less sketchy, and it will end up being okay.

Picnic Info

Hello Everyone!

This upcoming Sunday is when we are going to have our Picnis with the afterward game of Quidditch!!!
Just to let me know a number of whom is coming, I'd like it if you e-mailed me! My e-mail is harp.emilie@yahoo.com and just send on over a message if you think you can come so we can maybe start getting teams up and ready or know how much food we should assign to bring!

The Game and Picnic is going to be at French park if you don't know how to get there here is a link with directions http://www.threeriversparks.org/parks/french-park.aspx and click on the directions type in your adress and you're good to go!

The Picnic will start at one. Or rather come at one, and we'll eat and chat, and then later on once people have had their fill, we shall have our game!

If you are unsure of how to play the muggle version of qudditch! Here is a link to know how http://www.wikihow.com/Play-Muggle-Quidditch And if you scroll to the bottom, there is a video that I thought was very cute with the costume ideas (costumes are encouraged!)

If you have any questions or concerns e-mail me!
Hope to see you there!

First post

So, For Creative Writing club this is my blog. I wanted to show the world what I love to do most, which is expressed in my title. Writing and Playing music. More about me, I'm Emilie, and I enjoy most things that require laughing, or Harry Potter:). I'm not always the best at organization, but I do try. I'm not a morning person. But I enjoy staying up until to to see the peaceful night unfold. I love nature, and have written my own novel about it with a science fiction twist. And that's me:)