So, everyone goes through those times when they are just angry at the world? I hear that it is a teenage thing? But I've never been one to continually hate my parents, want to have sex with my boyfriend in the break out room of our school, or cuss and swear at the top of my lungs at a teacher, or a person in charge. I know, I'm weird.
But, it's not like I'm not angry sometimes, This is my vent on what is currently bothering me
-Harp. I had to choose what I wanted to do for harp. Stay with orchestra, or quit doing book 3. Which in the long run book three is better. Which is why I picked it. But It still bothers me when I have to now try so much harder, when I feel so stressed out in school.
-School. As said from above. I'm stressed. Like so stressed, that I can't really concentrate much anymore. I feel useless from wanting that perfect score on the test that I can't get. The way I can't get the grade that I want to get, and the way that everyone else has all this stuff come so much easier to them than for me.
-People. People don't tell me anything. (One person in particular...I may have to kill him with my lazor gun) But when you finally become busy with A. Harp and B. School. don't forget C. I just fell asleep because I was so tired from continually doing A and B that I just wanted to give up entirely. They start to yell at you like this is your fault. Like you were supposed to know about their meeting, or their concert. Or that you were supposed to print out a section of this project when you SAID that your printer wasn't working, and that you had done all of the revisions and NO ONE does anything with them...
Which brings me to the conclusion....Why can't I just be done with High School and stop with all this ACT and SAT and Teenage drama madness?
I'm bothered...
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
I'm Ready
I look at my entire high school career so far, and granted I'm not graduating this year, and certain things might change in the process of now and then, but it has been really interesting how I've changed and the person I've turned into since the day I came into high school.
I've never stepped into my high school without a boyfriend. At a certain point, this really bothered me, because I wondered if I was not being independent, or if I was missing out on something that I would get if I didn't have a boyfriend. If I was being to dependent on someone else in order to get through the day. If maybe there was something all the single people were getting that I just would never be able to with having a boyfriend.
Then I realized, during a week when my current boyfriend had to go off for a week how nice it was to have a boyfriend around. I was hit on four times in the process of 3 to 4 school days, had my ass grabbed and almost the same story with my boob. The guy got socked in the gut, and I would have given him a black eye if he hadn't stepped back far enough and someone grabbed my arm in order to make sure I wouldn't break the guys nose. I may not be the strongest person of the bunch, but I can have a flaring temper if someone makes me angry.
But this made me realize that having a boyfriend didn't make me dependent. Or that I was missing out on something, it made it so I could be my own person, without being constantly hit on, or nearly giving out black eyes for close boob grabs. Having one all the time meant that I could go that club, or sporting event. And I would have someone who would either take care of me making sure I didn't get myself into trouble, or give me my space when I had to take charge of something. Someone who would come to all of my music events and be sitting there right in the front row making sure that when my hands were shaking that I could still do it.
I also, think that in classes, I've kinda changed, because I want to do so much better in them than I did before. I want to succeed and get into a good music school. Before, there wouldn't have been anyone that could convince me that I should go to college, I wanted to join the peace core because I enjoy helping people. I still want to do that, I just want to play music for everyone around the world instead :) Music is the language that everyone can speak.
So, you are wondering what this title is "I'm Ready"? It is as simple as this, I'm ready to take on the world for whatever it is, and whatever it throws at me. Because I am the most independent woman in the entire world, who isn't afraid to tell it like it is, not afraid to go for what she wants, and ready to do what I can.
I've never stepped into my high school without a boyfriend. At a certain point, this really bothered me, because I wondered if I was not being independent, or if I was missing out on something that I would get if I didn't have a boyfriend. If I was being to dependent on someone else in order to get through the day. If maybe there was something all the single people were getting that I just would never be able to with having a boyfriend.
Then I realized, during a week when my current boyfriend had to go off for a week how nice it was to have a boyfriend around. I was hit on four times in the process of 3 to 4 school days, had my ass grabbed and almost the same story with my boob. The guy got socked in the gut, and I would have given him a black eye if he hadn't stepped back far enough and someone grabbed my arm in order to make sure I wouldn't break the guys nose. I may not be the strongest person of the bunch, but I can have a flaring temper if someone makes me angry.
But this made me realize that having a boyfriend didn't make me dependent. Or that I was missing out on something, it made it so I could be my own person, without being constantly hit on, or nearly giving out black eyes for close boob grabs. Having one all the time meant that I could go that club, or sporting event. And I would have someone who would either take care of me making sure I didn't get myself into trouble, or give me my space when I had to take charge of something. Someone who would come to all of my music events and be sitting there right in the front row making sure that when my hands were shaking that I could still do it.
I also, think that in classes, I've kinda changed, because I want to do so much better in them than I did before. I want to succeed and get into a good music school. Before, there wouldn't have been anyone that could convince me that I should go to college, I wanted to join the peace core because I enjoy helping people. I still want to do that, I just want to play music for everyone around the world instead :) Music is the language that everyone can speak.
So, you are wondering what this title is "I'm Ready"? It is as simple as this, I'm ready to take on the world for whatever it is, and whatever it throws at me. Because I am the most independent woman in the entire world, who isn't afraid to tell it like it is, not afraid to go for what she wants, and ready to do what I can.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Dear you,
Dear you,
You will never read this, because you have stopped reading anything that I write. You don't really care how I feel, and if you really knew how I felt sometimes, you'd probably spend a lot more time apologizing, than you do. Everyone told me that it was a bad idea to ever listen to you. Everyone said I should just leave you alone, but I was so excited, I couldn't help but try. But when there are days where I do all of the talking...days when I feel like even when I am talking you aren't even listening. What do I do then? Do I spend life by myself stuck in what I now consider an addiction to something that probably shouldn't have started in the first place. You will never know that. I will never tell you that either. Know why? Because I guess I'm still figuring out how to not need you. How to be less female, turn myself into stone, god help my feelings to be able to care less for those days when you get nothing not to have it hurt so damn bad. You will never read this, you will never know.
You will never read this, because you have stopped reading anything that I write. You don't really care how I feel, and if you really knew how I felt sometimes, you'd probably spend a lot more time apologizing, than you do. Everyone told me that it was a bad idea to ever listen to you. Everyone said I should just leave you alone, but I was so excited, I couldn't help but try. But when there are days where I do all of the talking...days when I feel like even when I am talking you aren't even listening. What do I do then? Do I spend life by myself stuck in what I now consider an addiction to something that probably shouldn't have started in the first place. You will never know that. I will never tell you that either. Know why? Because I guess I'm still figuring out how to not need you. How to be less female, turn myself into stone, god help my feelings to be able to care less for those days when you get nothing not to have it hurt so damn bad. You will never read this, you will never know.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Am I PRETTY?
So, today in creative writing club, we watched a video of poetry slam. And one of the ones that we watched really did speak to me. It was kind of the teenage thing that makes sense in your head. But, if one would just appreciate themselves more. It would be better.
Am I PRETTY?
Every girl asks themselves this in their lives, in different cultures beauty is expressed in many different ways. I absolutely love that Show were Jessica Simpson goes around the world and sees what PRETTY is in different cultures. It shows you that certain areas are just a tad bit corrupt with this question. Am I PRETTY?
I get spam e-mails, just like the rest of the world, and like the rest of the world, I read the title of the e-mail just in case it is from someone I know, or it is something important that I need to save. In reading the titles of these Spam e-mails. Every single one of them is, "Lose Ten Pounds Fast!" "Worst foods to eat" "Men will love the new sex that you are able to give with this rocking body!" And, probably like the rest of America, my self esteem goes down because then by reading that e-mail and feel a little bit bigger.
Reading 17 Magazine, over 300,000 girls under the age of 21 will get plastic surgery a year. Liquid PRETTY in a bottle. Flushed onto your face for something that shouldn't be there because it's not real.
I'm 5'6'' and I weigh about....115-120 pounds. The last time I went to the doctor, for my age range. I was in the 25 percentile. That means that 75 percent of girls weigh more than I do. But I find myself looking at that number, like the rest of the world, and going, "I gained 4 pounds..." And having that moment of self defeat, that tears you down and makes you feel bad about yourself.
The last time I ate something that was horrible and calorie packed was ages ago. It probably was the best thing I ever ate. I wouldn't know that anymore, because I want to stay thin, so I normally don't eat as much as I should. I have trained myself to not eat a lot, and if I do. I puke it back up. I'm not anorexic or have an eating disorder (Believe me, I've been the doctor more times than I'm willing to admit for that) I'm just trying to stay fit and in shape.
But let me ask, what is the point?
You know what the point is, People treat you differently on how you look, why? Because you want to feel PRETTY, you want to feel wanted. I know that I want to feel wanted. Honestly, who doesn't?
But then, if you are wanted by someone....You find yourself taking it for granted. Because the greed of feeling loved and wanted and PRETTY is the only thing that matters. Not your brain. Not your personality. We have other people for that.
I would love to wake up in the morning and scream out to the heavens, "GOD! I'M FUCKING PRETTY, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M SMART AND I'M AMAZING, AND DAMN IT, I LOVE MYSELF"
I want the world to do that. To take off the make-up. Take off the PRETTY, and see that the inside is just as great. That people aren't just faces, and that someone who you thought you could never be friends with because they weren't PRETTY enough? They end up being your best friend.
Let the beauty begin.
Am I PRETTY?
Every girl asks themselves this in their lives, in different cultures beauty is expressed in many different ways. I absolutely love that Show were Jessica Simpson goes around the world and sees what PRETTY is in different cultures. It shows you that certain areas are just a tad bit corrupt with this question. Am I PRETTY?
I get spam e-mails, just like the rest of the world, and like the rest of the world, I read the title of the e-mail just in case it is from someone I know, or it is something important that I need to save. In reading the titles of these Spam e-mails. Every single one of them is, "Lose Ten Pounds Fast!" "Worst foods to eat" "Men will love the new sex that you are able to give with this rocking body!" And, probably like the rest of America, my self esteem goes down because then by reading that e-mail and feel a little bit bigger.
Reading 17 Magazine, over 300,000 girls under the age of 21 will get plastic surgery a year. Liquid PRETTY in a bottle. Flushed onto your face for something that shouldn't be there because it's not real.
I'm 5'6'' and I weigh about....115-120 pounds. The last time I went to the doctor, for my age range. I was in the 25 percentile. That means that 75 percent of girls weigh more than I do. But I find myself looking at that number, like the rest of the world, and going, "I gained 4 pounds..." And having that moment of self defeat, that tears you down and makes you feel bad about yourself.
The last time I ate something that was horrible and calorie packed was ages ago. It probably was the best thing I ever ate. I wouldn't know that anymore, because I want to stay thin, so I normally don't eat as much as I should. I have trained myself to not eat a lot, and if I do. I puke it back up. I'm not anorexic or have an eating disorder (Believe me, I've been the doctor more times than I'm willing to admit for that) I'm just trying to stay fit and in shape.
But let me ask, what is the point?
You know what the point is, People treat you differently on how you look, why? Because you want to feel PRETTY, you want to feel wanted. I know that I want to feel wanted. Honestly, who doesn't?
But then, if you are wanted by someone....You find yourself taking it for granted. Because the greed of feeling loved and wanted and PRETTY is the only thing that matters. Not your brain. Not your personality. We have other people for that.
I would love to wake up in the morning and scream out to the heavens, "GOD! I'M FUCKING PRETTY, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M SMART AND I'M AMAZING, AND DAMN IT, I LOVE MYSELF"
I want the world to do that. To take off the make-up. Take off the PRETTY, and see that the inside is just as great. That people aren't just faces, and that someone who you thought you could never be friends with because they weren't PRETTY enough? They end up being your best friend.
Let the beauty begin.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
I'm fine.
These are words I say everytime I'm quiet. Everytime somethings up.
My attitude changes like a disease, and I guess I wouldn't really be surprised if I were bi polar. Because it would at least explain my need to create stories of why I get so down sometimes... I've been told about something called seasonal depression, and that might be it to. But, I don't want people to know that.
Why do I write about it then? Because whenever I get this way, I find that my writing is the best. The stories I create in order to make with what I feel. End up being great stories....They just aren't real. My imagination, the voice in my head, will every morning when i wake up tell me something different. It can say, "well, let's do today." And I'll be just fine all day. But there are days, when the voice will say, "You've never done anything. Why are you even bothering getting out of bed in the morning, because all you are is a useless lump."
I'm fine. I swear I am. I'll never admit to these things, not to you, not really even to me. Just let me cry myself to sleep in peace...
My attitude changes like a disease, and I guess I wouldn't really be surprised if I were bi polar. Because it would at least explain my need to create stories of why I get so down sometimes... I've been told about something called seasonal depression, and that might be it to. But, I don't want people to know that.
Why do I write about it then? Because whenever I get this way, I find that my writing is the best. The stories I create in order to make with what I feel. End up being great stories....They just aren't real. My imagination, the voice in my head, will every morning when i wake up tell me something different. It can say, "well, let's do today." And I'll be just fine all day. But there are days, when the voice will say, "You've never done anything. Why are you even bothering getting out of bed in the morning, because all you are is a useless lump."
I'm fine. I swear I am. I'll never admit to these things, not to you, not really even to me. Just let me cry myself to sleep in peace...
Friday, November 26, 2010
Happiest Time of the Year
So, today, was Black Friday. Probably the biggest shopping day of the year. I've never been to the sales at midnight or three a.m., but I've always imagined that there are a montage of people that are running around crazy. Women, grabbing onto things and not letting go, just like you see in the movies, and according to the people that have gone that I have talked to, it isn't far from the truth. People wanting to grab the best deals that they can, so that they can get a jump on their Christmas shopping. Others just to get the thrill of waking up early in the morning so that they can watch these people. And if I ever got the chance to see this, I would take a steaming hot cup of tea, and I would definitely go then.
My time to go shopping on this kind of day, is around five or six in the evening. Don't get me wrong I would love that early morning, but somehow I've always found myself going around that time (That, and that would be the only time I could get a ride). There are still hundreds of people in the stores, all looking left and right for what they want. Some just walking around like me, with really nothing to buy, but ending up with a few things in hand before they leave. Not that I have had any money to ever buy anything, but I take interest in walking around and looking at these people.
Have you ever looked around during Christmas season at people shopping? Honestly? No one looks really happy. Everyone is upset about something. The cashiers and the help around the store look harassed. And every single item is packed up to the ceiling to the top in order to make sure that everyone can get everything that they need. And on an important marketing day such as Black Friday. Being out of a certain item can mean loss of profit for the store. While shopping at best buy, I came across three men running up to one of the helpers around the store asking them for a new "Kinect" for the xbox system. Don't get me wrong, that thing looks seriously cool. And when they had the demo for it at the mall of America, I was first in line to be dancing without a controller. But, the looks on the helper's faces when they said they didn't have anymore, it was almost a grim weary kind of face.
They call it the Happiest time of the Year, the season of giving and happiness. But honestly, when looking around at all of the people. I don't see anything but angry faces, and a bunch of credit card being swiped through to the other side. Christmas is turning into a Holiday that Hallmark made up. It may be second to Valentines Day (which, don't get me wrong, I am totally for an excuse for a man to give a woman flowers and an extra reason to spend a day with someone you love very much) but, people shouldn't be all about the gift giving. It reminds me of the movie "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" with Jim Carrey, and every who in whosville was buy so many presidents that they just lost the meaning behind what they were giving.
Maybe we need a Grinch to steal our presents, so we can really appreciate the things that are more important in life. Like family, love, health, and once we're not all focused on the items we take treasure in, happiness.
My time to go shopping on this kind of day, is around five or six in the evening. Don't get me wrong I would love that early morning, but somehow I've always found myself going around that time (That, and that would be the only time I could get a ride). There are still hundreds of people in the stores, all looking left and right for what they want. Some just walking around like me, with really nothing to buy, but ending up with a few things in hand before they leave. Not that I have had any money to ever buy anything, but I take interest in walking around and looking at these people.
Have you ever looked around during Christmas season at people shopping? Honestly? No one looks really happy. Everyone is upset about something. The cashiers and the help around the store look harassed. And every single item is packed up to the ceiling to the top in order to make sure that everyone can get everything that they need. And on an important marketing day such as Black Friday. Being out of a certain item can mean loss of profit for the store. While shopping at best buy, I came across three men running up to one of the helpers around the store asking them for a new "Kinect" for the xbox system. Don't get me wrong, that thing looks seriously cool. And when they had the demo for it at the mall of America, I was first in line to be dancing without a controller. But, the looks on the helper's faces when they said they didn't have anymore, it was almost a grim weary kind of face.
They call it the Happiest time of the Year, the season of giving and happiness. But honestly, when looking around at all of the people. I don't see anything but angry faces, and a bunch of credit card being swiped through to the other side. Christmas is turning into a Holiday that Hallmark made up. It may be second to Valentines Day (which, don't get me wrong, I am totally for an excuse for a man to give a woman flowers and an extra reason to spend a day with someone you love very much) but, people shouldn't be all about the gift giving. It reminds me of the movie "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" with Jim Carrey, and every who in whosville was buy so many presidents that they just lost the meaning behind what they were giving.
Maybe we need a Grinch to steal our presents, so we can really appreciate the things that are more important in life. Like family, love, health, and once we're not all focused on the items we take treasure in, happiness.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Things I wish I could have told myself
I was lying in bed this morning, grasping onto the dream I had been having, when a new thought crossed my mind. What would my 14 year old self say just before I went into High School, seeing the person that I am now? And, if I could see her...What would I say?
I think I'd tell her that after my first homecoming, when I cried myself to sleep for the next two weeks....It wouldn't worth it anymore. Her second and third homecoming would make her nights much more magical.
And I think I'd tell her that even when she wanted to throw herself down stairs and often prayed at night not to be there anymore, she'd be okay. That her best friend in the world would save her life, and that the person she thought cared about her the most hurt her the most.
I also think I'd tell her that when her family got to be the toughest, there would be someone there to calm her down while she put ice on her bruises, and that It would get better with time. And she wouldn't have to fear family dinners nearly as much as she used to!
And saying something like that, makes me laugh, because I know she wouldn't believe me on the family dinners part. I still don't believe me when I say that myself.
She might ask me what had happened since then, and maybe I would tell her things, maybe I'd tell her she'd find a boy, that loved her more than anything, that she would worry about, but he would worry about her too, that she would fall in love with that boy and that they'd argue about stupid things all the time (Yes, all the time) but in the end, he'd still whisper, 'I love you' into her ear, or on the phone, or even reading it with eyes through a text message. And those words every single time would make your heart melt. Or if you were actually angry, it would make the anger rub away. Not that he'd ever know that. (Unless he actually ever gets around to reading my blog...which would make me laugh, because he probably won't. Unless he does, he does have a knack for surprising me)
She'd ask why I drove myself so hard to become to musician I am, and I think I'd say, "Don't you just love that feeling of playing something and knowing how great you are at it?" It'd make our heart melt, and together we'd both fear my conductor as I told her horror stories, preparing her with the shell she'd someday have not to give him a peace of her mind.
But I think lastly, I would tell her that at the moments where the world just feels like it's going to end. It doesn't, and it shouldn't. Because she's beautiful, even if she sometimes to this day still won't believe it. Because she can be such a strong an independent young person, she'll end up okay.
That I could promise her.
I think I'd tell her that after my first homecoming, when I cried myself to sleep for the next two weeks....It wouldn't worth it anymore. Her second and third homecoming would make her nights much more magical.
And I think I'd tell her that even when she wanted to throw herself down stairs and often prayed at night not to be there anymore, she'd be okay. That her best friend in the world would save her life, and that the person she thought cared about her the most hurt her the most.
I also think I'd tell her that when her family got to be the toughest, there would be someone there to calm her down while she put ice on her bruises, and that It would get better with time. And she wouldn't have to fear family dinners nearly as much as she used to!
And saying something like that, makes me laugh, because I know she wouldn't believe me on the family dinners part. I still don't believe me when I say that myself.
She might ask me what had happened since then, and maybe I would tell her things, maybe I'd tell her she'd find a boy, that loved her more than anything, that she would worry about, but he would worry about her too, that she would fall in love with that boy and that they'd argue about stupid things all the time (Yes, all the time) but in the end, he'd still whisper, 'I love you' into her ear, or on the phone, or even reading it with eyes through a text message. And those words every single time would make your heart melt. Or if you were actually angry, it would make the anger rub away. Not that he'd ever know that. (Unless he actually ever gets around to reading my blog...which would make me laugh, because he probably won't. Unless he does, he does have a knack for surprising me)
She'd ask why I drove myself so hard to become to musician I am, and I think I'd say, "Don't you just love that feeling of playing something and knowing how great you are at it?" It'd make our heart melt, and together we'd both fear my conductor as I told her horror stories, preparing her with the shell she'd someday have not to give him a peace of her mind.
But I think lastly, I would tell her that at the moments where the world just feels like it's going to end. It doesn't, and it shouldn't. Because she's beautiful, even if she sometimes to this day still won't believe it. Because she can be such a strong an independent young person, she'll end up okay.
That I could promise her.
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