Am I PRETTY?

So, today in creative writing club, we watched a video of poetry slam. And one of the ones that we watched really did speak to me. It was kind of the teenage thing that makes sense in your head. But, if one would just appreciate themselves more. It would be better.

Am I PRETTY?
Every girl asks themselves this in their lives, in different cultures beauty is expressed in many different ways. I absolutely love that Show were Jessica Simpson goes around the world and sees what PRETTY is in different cultures. It shows you that certain areas are just a tad bit corrupt with this question. Am I PRETTY?

I get spam e-mails, just like the rest of the world, and like the rest of the world, I read the title of the e-mail just in case it is from someone I know, or  it is something important that I need to save. In reading the titles of these Spam e-mails. Every single one of them is, "Lose Ten Pounds Fast!" "Worst foods to eat" "Men will love the new sex that you are able to give with this rocking body!" And, probably like the rest of America, my self esteem goes down because then by reading that e-mail and feel a little bit bigger.

Reading 17 Magazine, over 300,000 girls under the age of 21 will get plastic surgery a year. Liquid PRETTY in a bottle. Flushed onto your face for something that shouldn't be there because it's not real.

I'm 5'6'' and I weigh about....115-120 pounds. The last time I went to the doctor, for my age range. I was in the 25 percentile. That means that 75 percent of girls weigh more than I do. But I find myself looking at that number, like the rest of the world, and going, "I gained 4 pounds..." And having that moment of self defeat, that tears you down and makes you feel bad about yourself.

The last time I ate something that was horrible and calorie packed was ages ago. It probably was the best thing I ever ate. I wouldn't know that anymore, because I want to stay thin, so I normally don't eat as much as I should. I have trained myself to not eat a lot, and if I do. I puke it back up. I'm not anorexic or have an eating disorder (Believe me, I've been the doctor more times than I'm willing to admit for that) I'm just trying to stay fit and in shape.

But let me ask, what is the point?
You know what the point is, People treat you differently on how you look, why? Because you want to feel PRETTY, you want to feel wanted. I know that I want to feel wanted. Honestly, who doesn't?

But then, if you are wanted by someone....You find yourself taking it for granted. Because the greed of feeling loved and wanted and PRETTY is the only thing that matters. Not your brain. Not your personality. We have other people for that.

I would love to wake up in the morning and scream out to the heavens, "GOD! I'M FUCKING PRETTY, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M SMART AND I'M AMAZING, AND DAMN IT, I LOVE MYSELF"

I want the world to do that. To take off the make-up. Take off the PRETTY, and see that the inside is just as great. That people aren't just faces, and that someone who you thought you could never be friends with because they weren't PRETTY enough? They end up being your best friend.

Let the beauty begin.

I'm fine.

These are words I say everytime I'm quiet. Everytime somethings up.

My attitude changes like a disease, and I guess I wouldn't really be surprised if I were bi polar. Because it would at least explain my need to create stories of why I get so down sometimes... I've been told about something called seasonal depression, and that might be it to. But, I don't want people to know that.

Why do I write about it then? Because whenever I get this way, I find that my writing is the best. The stories I create in order to make with what I feel. End up being great stories....They just aren't real. My imagination, the voice in my head, will every morning when i wake up tell me something different. It can say, "well, let's do today." And I'll be just fine all day. But there are days, when the voice will say, "You've never done anything. Why are you even bothering getting out of bed in the morning, because all you are is a useless lump."

I'm fine. I swear I am. I'll never admit to these things, not to you, not really even to me. Just let me cry myself to sleep in peace...