Things I wish I could have told myself

I was lying in bed this morning, grasping onto the dream I had been having, when a new thought crossed my mind. What would my 14 year old self say just before I went into High School, seeing the person that I am now? And, if I could see her...What would I say?

I think I'd tell her that after my first homecoming, when I cried myself to sleep for the next two weeks....It wouldn't worth it anymore. Her second and third homecoming would make her nights much more magical.

And I think I'd tell her that even when she wanted to throw herself down stairs and often prayed at night not to be there anymore, she'd be okay. That her best friend in the world would save her life, and that the person she thought cared about her the most hurt her the most.

I also think I'd tell her that when her family got to be the toughest, there would be someone there to calm her down while she put ice on her bruises, and that It would get better with time. And she wouldn't have to fear family dinners nearly as much as she used to!

And saying something like that, makes me laugh, because I know she wouldn't believe me on the family dinners part. I still don't believe me when I say that myself.

She might ask me what had happened since then, and maybe I would tell her things, maybe I'd tell her she'd find a boy, that loved her more than anything, that she would worry about, but he would worry about her too, that she would fall in love with that boy and that they'd argue about stupid things all the time (Yes, all the time) but in the end, he'd still whisper, 'I love you' into her ear, or on the phone, or even reading it with eyes through a text message. And those words every single time would make your heart melt. Or if you were actually angry, it would make the anger rub away. Not that he'd ever know that. (Unless he actually ever gets around to reading my blog...which would make me laugh, because he probably won't. Unless he does, he does have a knack for surprising me)

She'd ask why I drove myself so hard to become to musician I am, and I think I'd say, "Don't you just love that feeling of playing something and knowing how great you are at it?" It'd make our heart melt, and together we'd both fear my conductor as I told her horror stories, preparing her with the shell she'd someday have not to give him a peace of her mind.

But I think lastly, I would tell her that at the moments where the world just feels like it's going to end. It doesn't, and it shouldn't. Because she's beautiful, even if she sometimes to this day still won't believe it. Because she can be such a strong an independent young person, she'll end up okay.

That I could promise her.